There’s so much to say. There are so few words. Or maybe it’s just so hard to put into words what the body is feeling. Or to find the words that come close to the real experience. My brain seems to be scrambling the sensations from my heart and body and mind and not able to make sense – at least not in any language I understand. It seems every time I open my mouth, I offer scrambled eggs.
I have so many thoughts and discussions, and new pieces of information I am learning; and Instagram posts, and fears and memories and realizations and violent images, and waves of compassion. And so many tears, or feelings that my chest is being crushed; wild dreams and potent nightmares, loss of balance, crying spells, moments of disgust and revelation; shadows of hatred; work I have to do, courageous discussions to have with people about injustice and racism; sense of doom, sense of hope, anxieties about COVID, dinners to fix; laundry to sort. All at the same time.
I have struggled this week to find the most meaningful, the most clear, the most resonating to share in my weekly email. Everything has been jumbled. I’ve even had difficulty just carrying out a practice of mindfulness – taking a few minutes each day to be quiet and still with myself; be fully present in the moment. It’s all so disquieting.
I have persisted and benefited from 10 or 15 minutes at a time to just breathe, observe my feet on the ground, experience my breath coming in and leaving, over and over again. Steady. Breathe some more. Keep breathing… Yes – I CAN breathe, so don’t waste that precious gift that some folks have had taken from them. Breathe in. Breathe out even slower, longer. Again.
I attended a Zoom meeting for POC healers and got some assistance to calm my breath, steady my mind; connect to community. It’s hard to do by yourself.
We were asked to consider who we’re here for. And who is here for us, with us. It’s easy to feel alone bearing the weight of it all, but I was reminded that it’s easier than ever, right now, to reach out and feel connected. Not feel alone.
This time is really an invitation to awaken to the possibility of community – people helping each other. Being there for others. We are being invited to awaken to what causes suffering and to turn toward it with compassion.
I have felt my heart breaking into millions of pieces due to all of the systematized injustice and racial discrimination. During this gathering, I realized it’s actually the armor that has been surrounding my own heart that is cracking, breaking apart – not my heart itself.
I was reminded that our hearts are like water – and water cannot be broken. We are actually not breakable.
I have also had this very common feeling that I’m not doing enough, and therefore I am not enough (crazy how that links itself together) and through this healing circle realized it’s enough to do what I do – to hold space for people‘s experiences, feelings, in our lives. We each have to find what it is we do or can do and find what it is that’s true for us. find our lane.
My lane for the time being is to keep holding that space – welcoming, caring, listening, not judging, learning, holding sorrows and joys, sharing the burdens.
May you each find a true Lane during this time of unrest. May you each find spaces of internal peace to surround the internal unrest as you face the world outside of unrest.
If you or someone you love is having difficulty finding Peaceful space amongst all the unrest inside and outside, please contact me for a therapy appointment.
Check out my upcoming ‘hot mess to calm oasis course” for women of color.