How to have more Love in your Relationships
Our deepest desire, as human beings is to be loved. We search (sometimes in all the wrong places) for that partner who will love us, fulfill us, complete us, care for us, take away our pain. Sometimes we search all of our lives, even after we have found someone. We often don’t realize that our true love – or Soulmate – the one who truly makes us whole – is much closer than we realize.
Spoiler Alert: Our true Soulmate is our own self.
Often the partner we seek – whether we are alone or coupled – is that someone who will love us, take care of us, adore us, let us be ourselves. We want to be that other person’s PERSON – first and always thought about; the one they tell everything to; the only one they are intimate with. We want that person to prioritize us; always include us; be romantic with us; communicate; share their inner selves with us. We want someone who desires us, who reads our mind and anticipates what we need. We want someone who unconditionally loves us, accepts us even with our faults.
Someone with whom we can be vulnerable and safe, and not be laughed at or rejected, or betrayed by. We want someone who agrees with what we say and who knows we’re right – or someone who likes things just the way we do.
We know what we want in love – someone who desires us; can’t wait to see us and is enthusiastic about us when we’re together. We want someone who loves and lives to please us; anticipate our needs; never makes us or leaves us suffering. Someone who tolerates all our moods without negativity. Someone who makes us feel good, someone who enjoys being around us. Someone who doesn’t ignore us, or de-prioritize us, or disappoint us.
We want someone who is never unkind, or mean, or violent; or appropriately apologizes if they ever are. Someone who makes us feel special, wanted. Someone who always has our back; who always consults or includes us when making plans. Someone who knows when we need closeness or space – and who acts accordingly. Someone who wants to talk when we want to talk or who is comfortable with silence when we need silence.
We want someone to show us they love us by following through with what they promise; not letting us down, or by doing their share (and often more than their share) of household chores or parenting tasks. Someone who doesn’t take advantage of us or take us for granted. We want someone who accepts us totally, unconditionally – someone who gets us. Someone who notices all the little things we do and fully appreciates us. We want someone who loves and cherishes our body and is not judgmental or critical in any way. Someone who comes up with fun and interesting things to do or wants to share in all the things we think are fun and interesting to do.
We want to be loved by someone who is trustworthy, who protects us from pain or suffering; someone who doesn’t make us feel angry, or frustrated, or lonely or disappointed. We want love to come in the form of listening to us, understanding and allowing all of who we are. Someone who brings out the best in us – helps us to be the best person we aspire to be all the time.
We want someone who is flexible, but structured enough; independent, but able to be intimate; healthy physically and emotionally; someone who cares about the people and things we care about, with the same intensity.
…That’s a pretty powerful list of what we long for when we wish to be loved. That’s a pretty psychologically evolved human being who can provide even 60% of that! And wouldn’t it be nice if we could think about or treat ourselves in these same ways, even 60% of the time?
Two truths about this expansive list:
- A lot of this list comes from how we as human beings desire to GET love. Very little of it is about how we long to GIVE love – which is actually the more important part of any love relationship. We could improve our love relationships – or bring more love into our lives by having the intention to be this kind of Soulmate to our partner…
If you want to be loved, try loving. Give the love you would like to get. Challenge yourself to continuously, consciously choose to fall in love with your partner. Be the partner you long for. Remember your person is another separate human being, with their own thoughts, feelings, wishes, dreams, needs, experiences; just like you. Look for, love and nurture the beauty and the good in your partner. Remember, the relationship you have with an other is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.
- Not only are these admirable qualities to one becoming a loving partner (and more admirable to find within yourself then to solely seek and evaluate in your significant other – present or to be), but these are excellent qualities to present and be with your self.
Be your own Soulmate. Be the partner you long for, to yourself. Look for, love and nourish the beauty and the good within you. Remember, the relationship you have with yourself is the source of the reflection of the relationship you have with another – the love you give to your child, partner, friend.
How to do this you may wonder…
First, become aware. Check in with yourself and see if the ways you want to be loved by another are resonant with the ways you, yourself give love. Do your actions do love the way you’d like to receive it? Make some intentions to put your love into action. Be willing to go first.
Then check in further with yourself and notice how you treat yourself (you know – your real Soulmate).
Make an effort to be:
- Nonviolent with yourself; non-hurtful or demeaning or critical or judgmental… Don’t finish a negative thought or sentence about yourself.
- Communicate with yourself kindly; listen to your own feelings without contempt or avoidance. Acknowledge your voice. Don’t yell at or berate or judge yourself.
- Change curses that you were told as a child, that you couldn’t help but internalize – into blessings or affirmations, about your strengths and resilience.
- Repair that inner child and heal those old wounds. If you can, forgive those parents. If you can’t, at least forgive yourself.
- Continuously, compassionately, consciously, caringly choose to fall in love with yourself – see yourself in a loving way. Have your own back.
- Take yourself on a date – spend some time with you yourself; give yourself uninterrupted time to be with yourself. Enjoy what you discover.
- Spend time in nature; do meditation; take a break from being digitally connected. It’s here that you can truly listen to your own voice.
- Do self-compassion practices. (May I be safe. May I be at peace. May I treat myself like I would my best friend. May I be as strong as I am able to be…)
- Have a heart-to-heart intimate talk with yourself – journal it or write a letter to yourself.
- Remind yourself to remember the perspective of someone who loves you when you are reflecting internally. Be happy to see yourself.
Be the partner to yourself you long to have in your life. Every day. Listen with Heart. To yourself, and to those you love.
Regular simple efforts and shifts in your thinking and doing build a strong foundation to being able to receive the love you want in your life. And giving it becomes easier too.
If you or someone you love struggles with wanting more, different or better love in your life, please contact me for a therapy appointment.
For more ideas on how to bring more calm and less worry into your life, click here for a free email course on Mindfulness.